Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!
Don’t you know my rank? Don’t you know my age? Oh, if only he were here to write me down as an idiot! But, gentlemen, remember that I am an idiot; even if it’s not written down, don’t forget that I am an idiot. No, you villain, you’re full of holiness, as will be proven by good testimony. I am a wise man, and, what’s more, an officer, and, what’s more, a homeowner, and, what’s more, a fine-looking man, just as good as anyone in Messina, and one who knows the law, yes; and a wealthy man enough, yes; and a man who’s had losses, and one who has two coats and everything neat about him. Take him away. Oh, if only I had been written down as an idiot!
Dogberry · Act 4, Scene 2
Dogberry, insulted by Conrade, spirals into a rant about his own worth—his rank, his age, his possessions, his respectability—while desperately wishing someone had written down that he's an idiot. The passage lands because Dogberry's obsession with being remembered, even as a fool, reveals the human need to matter. It also shows that despite his incompetence, he and his watch accidentally catch the true criminals, suggesting that justice sometimes comes from the bumbling rather than the clever.
