Original
Modern English
Bardolph, I say,--
Bardolph, I say,--
Here, sir.
Here, sir.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in’t.
Go get me a quart of sack; put a toast in it.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year’s gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, fifteen i’ the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a wheelbarrow of butcher’s waste, and thrown in the Thames? Well, if they pull such a trick on me again, I’ll have my brains taken out and buttered, and give them to a dog as a New Year’s gift. Those scoundrels pushed me into the river with no more guilt than they’d have had drowning a blind dog’s puppies, fifteen in the litter: and you can tell by my size that I have a natural talent for sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I’d still go down. I almost drowned, but the shore was shallow and sloped,--a death I can’t stand; the water makes a man swell up; and what would I have been if I had swelled up? I’d have been a mountain of bandages.
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly’s as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Let me pour some wine into the Thames water; my stomach feels as cold as if I’d swallowed snowballs for medicine to cool me down. Call her in.
Come in, woman!
Come in, woman!
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship good morrow.
Excuse me; I beg your pardon: good morning to you, sir.
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of sack finely.
Take away these glasses. Go brew me a bottle of wine properly.
With eggs, sir?
With eggs, sir?
Simple of itself; I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
No, just plain; I don’t want any chicken yolk in my drink.
How now!
What now!
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
Well, sir, I come from Mistress Ford to speak with you.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
Mistress Ford! I’ve had enough of Ford; I was thrown into the ford; I’m sick of Ford.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
Oh dear! It wasn’t her fault, good sir: she gets so upset with her men; they misunderstood their excitement.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise.
So did I, to rely on a foolish woman’s promise.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she’ll make you amends, I warrant you.
Well, she feels bad about it, sir, and it would really upset you to see it. Her husband is out bird hunting this morning; she wants you to come to her again, between eight and nine: I need to deliver her message quickly: she’ll make it up to you, I swear.
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.
Alright, I’ll visit her: tell her that; and tell her to think about what kind of man I am: let her consider my weaknesses, and then judge me based on that.
I will tell her.
I’ll tell her.
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
Do that. Between nine and ten, you say?
Eight and nine, sir.
Eight and nine, sir.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Alright, go now: I won’t miss her.
Peace be with you, sir.
Goodbye, sir.
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
I wonder why I haven’t heard from Master Brook; he told me to stay inside: I like his money, though. Oh, here he comes.
Bless you, sir!
Bless you, sir!
Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife?
Now, Master Brook, you’ve come to find out what happened between me and Ford’s wife?
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Yes, that’s exactly my business, Sir John.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed me.
Master Brook, I won’t lie to you: I was at her house at the time she asked me to come.
And sped you, sir?
And did you succeed, sir?
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
Not very well at all, Master Brook.
How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
What’s this, sir? Did she change her mind?
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual ’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love.
No, Master Brook; but her stupid husband, Master Brook, who’s always jealous, came in the moment we were together, after we’d hugged, kissed, made promises, and, in a way, set the stage for our little comedy; and right behind him, a bunch of his friends, all riled up by his jealousy, came with him, and, for all I know, to search his house for his wife’s affair.
What, while you were there?
What, while you were there?
While I was there.
Yes, while I was there.
And did he search for you, and could not find you?
And did he look for you, and couldn’t find you?
You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
You’ll hear. Just by chance, Mistress Page showed up; she warned me Ford was coming; and, with the help of her quick thinking and Ford’s wife’s panic, they hid me in a laundry basket.
A buck-basket!
A laundry basket!
By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.
By God, yes, a laundry basket! They stuffed me in with dirty shirts, smocks, socks, stinky stockings, greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the foulest combination of smells that ever tortured a nose.
And how long lay you there?
And how long were you in there?
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths; first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.
Well, Master Brook, listen to what I went through to ruin this woman for your benefit. So, crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s servants were called by their mistress to carry me, pretending I was dirty laundry, to Datchet-lane: they lifted me onto their shoulders; they met their jealous master at the door, who asked them a couple of times what they had in the basket: I was terrified, afraid the madman would search it; but fate, deciding he was meant to be a cuckold, let him go. Well, he went off to look for his wife, and I was carried off with the dirty laundry. But listen to what happened next, Master Brook: I went through the horror of three near-deaths; first, the unbearable terror of being caught by a jealous, stupid old fool; second, being jammed tight like a sword in its scabbard, head to toe; and third, being suffocated in disgusting, greasy clothes that were soaked in their own filth: think about that—a man like me, who’s as prone to sweating as butter is to melting; a man who’s constantly on the verge of falling apart and melting: it was a miracle I didn’t suffocate. And in the middle of this greasy hell, when I was nearly cooked alive, like some kind of Dutch stew, to be thrown into the Thames to cool off, burning hot, in that river, like a red-hot horseshoe; think about that—hissing hot—think about that, Master Brook.
In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate; you’ll undertake her no more?
Honestly, I’m sorry that for my sake you’ve gone through all this. So my plan is hopeless; you won’t try for her again?
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; ’twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Master Brook, I’d rather be thrown into Mount Etna, like I was in the Thames, than give up on her now. Her husband’s gone bird hunting this morning; I’ve received another message from her to meet; between eight and nine, Master Brook.
’Tis past eight already, sir.
It’s already past eight, sir.
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
Is it? Then I’ll go meet her at the agreed time. Come by at your convenience, and I’ll let you know how it goes; and in the end, you’ll be the one to enjoy her. Goodbye. You’ll have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you’ll cuckold Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford! there’s a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married! this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house; he cannot ’scape me; ’tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
Hm! Ha! Is this real? Is this a dream? Am I dreaming? Wake up, Master Ford, wake up! There’s a hole in your best coat, Master Ford. This is what it’s like to be married! This is what it’s like to have laundry and laundry baskets! Well, I’m going to make it clear who I am: I’ll go after the lecher; he’s at my house; there’s no way he’s getting away; he couldn’t escape me if he tried; he can’t hide in a penny jar or a pepper pot: but, just in case the devil helping him out, I’ll search every impossible place. Even though I can’t avoid what I am, I won’t let myself become what I don’t want to be: if I’ve got horns to make me crazy, let the proverb go with me: I’ll be mad as a horned man.