The Merry Wives of Windsor · Act 3, Scene 3

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Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
Mistress Ford

What, John! What, Robert!

Mistress Ford

What, John! What, Robert!

Mistress Page

Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--

Mistress Page

Quickly, quickly! is the laundry basket--

Mistress Ford

I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

Mistress Ford

I’m sure it is. What, Robin, I said!

Enter Servants with a basket
Enter Servants with a basket
Mistress Page

Come, come, come.

Mistress Page

Come on, come on, hurry up.

Mistress Ford

Here, set it down.

Mistress Ford

Here, put it down here.

Mistress Page

Give your men the charge; we must be brief.

Mistress Page

Tell your men what to do; we need to be quick.

Mistress Ford

Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

Mistress Ford

Well, like I said before, John and Robert, be ready nearby in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come out and without hesitation or stumbling, put this basket on your shoulders: then, hurry with it as fast as you can, and take it among the laundresses in Datchet-mead, and there dump it in the muddy ditch next to the Thames.

Mistress Page

You will do it?

Mistress Page

You’ll do it?

Mistress Ford

I ha’ told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.

Mistress Ford

I’ve told them again and again; they have all the instructions. Go now, and return when I call you.

Exeunt Servants
Exeunt Servants
Mistress Page

Here comes little Robin.

Mistress Page

Here comes little Robin.

Enter ROBIN
Enter ROBIN
Mistress Ford

How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

Mistress Ford

Well now, my little spy! what’s the news?

Robin

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

Robin

My master, Sir John, has come in through your back-door, Mistress Ford, and wants to see you.

Mistress Page

You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

Mistress Page

You little troublemaker, have you been loyal to us?

Robin

Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.

Robin

Yes, I swear it. My master doesn’t know you’re here and has threatened to punish me forever if I tell you about it; he swears he’ll fire me.

Mistress Page

Thou’rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.

Mistress Page

You’re a good boy: your secrecy will reward you and will get you a new suit of clothes. I’ll go hide.

Mistress Ford

Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.

Mistress Ford

Do that. Go tell your master I’m alone.

Exit ROBIN
Exit ROBIN
Mistress Ford

Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

Mistress Ford

Mistress Page, remember your cue.

Mistress Page

I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

Mistress Page

I promise you; if I don’t do it right, you can boo me.

Exit
Exit
Mistress Ford

Go to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.

Mistress Ford

Alright, then: we’ll use this nasty dampness, this big watery pumpkin; we’ll teach him to tell turtles from jays.

Enter FALSTAFF
Enter FALSTAFF
Falstaff

Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

Falstaff

Have I caught you, my precious jewel? Now let me die, because I’ve lived long enough: this is the height of my dreams: Oh, this blessed moment!

Mistress Ford

O sweet Sir John!

Mistress Ford

Oh, sweet Sir John!

Falstaff

Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I’ll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady.

Falstaff

Mistress Ford, I can’t lie, I can’t ramble on, Mistress Ford. Now I’ll sin with this wish: I wish your husband were dead: I’ll say it in front of the best lord; I’d make you my lady.

Mistress Ford

I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

Mistress Ford

Me, your lady, Sir John! Oh, I’d be a pitiful lady!

Falstaff

Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.

Falstaff

Let the court of France show me someone like you. I see how your eye could outshine the diamond: you have the perfect arched brow that would suit the fancy headdress, the brave headdress, or any Venetian style.

Mistress Ford

A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.

Mistress Ford

A simple headscarf, Sir John: my brows don’t suit anything else; and not that well either.

Falstaff

By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

Falstaff

By the Lord, you’re a liar to say that: you’d make a great court lady; and the way you stand would give a beautiful swing to your walk in a wide skirt. I see what you’d be if Fortune weren’t your enemy and Nature weren’t your friend. Come on, you can’t hide it.

Mistress Ford

Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

Mistress Ford

Believe me, there’s nothing like that in me.

Falstaff

What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.

Falstaff

What made me love you? Let that convince you there’s something special about you. Come on, I can’t lie and say you’re this and that, like those many women who dress as men, and smell like Bucklersbury on a slow day; I can’t: but I love you; no one but you; and you deserve it.

Mistress Ford

Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

Mistress Ford

Don’t betray me, sir. I’m afraid you love Mistress Page.

Falstaff

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.

Falstaff

You might as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which I hate as much as the smell of a lime-kiln.

Mistress Ford

Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.

Mistress Ford

Well, heaven knows how much I love you; and one day you will realize it.

Falstaff

Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.

Falstaff

Keep that in mind; I’ll earn it.

Mistress Ford

Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.

Mistress Ford

No, I must tell you, you do deserve it; otherwise, I wouldn’t feel this way.

Robin

[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

Robin

[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and puffing and looking frantic, and she insists on speaking with you right now.

Falstaff

She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

Falstaff

She won’t see me: I’ll hide behind the tapestry.

Mistress Ford

Pray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman.

Mistress Ford

Please, do so: she’s such a gossip.

FALSTAFF hides himself
FALSTAFF hides himself
Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
Mistress Ford

What’s the matter? how now!

Mistress Ford

What’s going on? What’s the matter?

Mistress Page

O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!

Mistress Page

Oh, Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re ruined, you’re done for forever!

Mistress Ford

What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?

Mistress Ford

What’s going on, good Mistress Page?

Mistress Page

O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

Mistress Page

Oh, goodness, Mistress Ford! having an honest man as your husband, and giving him such reason to doubt you!

Mistress Ford

What cause of suspicion?

Mistress Ford

What reason to doubt?

Mistress Page

What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I mistook in you!

Mistress Page

What reason to doubt! Shame on you! How could I be so wrong about you!

Mistress Ford

Why, alas, what’s the matter?

Mistress Ford

Why, oh dear, what’s the matter?

Mistress Page

Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

Mistress Page

Your husband’s coming here, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to look for a man that he says is here in the house with your approval, to take advantage of his absence: you’re in trouble.

Mistress Ford

’Tis not so, I hope.

Mistress Ford

I hope that’s not true.

Mistress Page

Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

Mistress Page

I pray it’s not true, that you have such a man here! But it’s certain your husband’s on his way, with half of Windsor chasing after him, to search for someone like that. I came ahead to warn you. If you’re sure you’re innocent, well, I’m glad to hear it; but if you have a man here, get him out. Don’t panic; stay calm, defend your reputation, or say goodbye to your good name forever.

Mistress Ford

What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.

Mistress Ford

What should I do? There’s a man, my dear friend; and I’m more afraid of his danger than my own shame: I’d rather have him out of the house than anything, even a thousand pounds.

Mistress Page

For shame! never stand ’you had rather’ and ’you had rather:’ your husband’s here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

Mistress Page

For shame! Stop saying ‘I’d rather’ and ‘I’d rather’: your husband’s almost here, think of some way to hide him: you can’t keep him in the house. Oh, how you’ve fooled me! Look, here is a basket: if he’s of a reasonable size, he can crawl in here; and cover him with dirty laundry, as if he’s going to the laundry. Or—it’s whiting-time— send him with your two men to Datchet-mead.

Mistress Ford

He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

Mistress Ford

He’s too big to fit in there. What should I do?

Falstaff

[Coming forward] Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.

Falstaff

[Coming forward] Let me see, let me see it, oh, let me see it! I’ll go in, I’ll go in. Follow your friend’s advice. I’ll go in.

Mistress Page

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

Mistress Page

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, sir knight?

Falstaff

I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never--

Falstaff

I love you. Help me get away. Let me hide in here. I’ll never--

Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen
Gets into the basket; they cover him with dirty laundry
Mistress Page

Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

Mistress Page

Help cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You deceitful knight!

Mistress Ford

What, John! Robert! John!

Mistress Ford

What, John! Robert! John!

Exit ROBIN
Exit ROBIN
Re-enter Servants
Re-enter Servants
Mistress Ford

Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.

Mistress Ford

Go pick up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the broom? Look at how slow you’re moving! Take them to the laundress in Datchet-mead; hurry, come on.

Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Ford

Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

Ford

Please, come closer: if I suspect for no reason, then go ahead and make fun of me; then let me be your joke; I deserve it. Now then! where are you taking this?

Servant

To the laundress, forsooth.

Servant

To the laundress, truly.

Mistress Ford

Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.

Mistress Ford

Why, what does it matter to you where they’re taking it? You should stick to washing the clothes.

Ford

Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.

Ford

Wash! I wish I could wash myself of the trouble! Wash, wash, wash! Yes, wash; I swear it, wash; and in time, the truth will come out.

Exeunt Servants with the basket
Exeunt Servants with the basket
Ford

Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.

Ford

Gentlemen, I had a dream last night; I’ll tell you about my dream. Here, here, here are my keys: go up to my rooms; search, look, find out: I’m sure we’ll catch the fox. Let me lock this door first.

Locking the door
Locking the door
Ford

So, now uncape.

Ford

There, now it’s locked.

Page

Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

Page

Good Master Ford, please calm down: you’re being too hard on yourself.

Ford

True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Ford

True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you’ll see some fun soon: follow me, gentlemen.

Exit
Exit
Sir Hugh Evans

This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

Sir Hugh Evans

This is very strange behavior and jealousy.

Doctor Caius

By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.

Doctor Caius

By God, it’s not the way they do things in France; there’s no jealousy in France.

Page

Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Page

No, follow him, gentlemen; see how his search turns out.

Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Mistress Page

Is there not a double excellency in this?

Mistress Page

Isn’t there something extra special about all this?

Mistress Ford

I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

Mistress Ford

I don’t know which makes me happier, that my husband is fooled, or that Sir John is.

Mistress Page

What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!

Mistress Page

How shocked was he when your husband asked who was in the basket!

Mistress Ford

I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

Mistress Ford

I’m half afraid he’ll need a wash; so throwing him in the water will do him good.

Mistress Page

Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.

Mistress Page

Hang him, dishonest fool! I wish all the same kind of men were in the same trouble.

Mistress Ford

I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.

Mistress Ford

I think my husband has some special suspicion that Falstaff is here; because I’ve never seen him so angry and jealous before.

Mistress Page

I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.

Mistress Page

I’ll make a plan to test that; and we’ll play more tricks on Falstaff: his bad habits won’t easily be cured.

Mistress Ford

Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?

Mistress Ford

Shall we send that silly woman, Mistress Quickly, to him, and explain why he was thrown into the water; and give him another false hope, to set him up for another punishment?

Mistress Page

We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o’clock, to have amends.

Mistress Page

We’ll do it: let him be called for tomorrow, at eight o’clock, to make things right.

Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Ford

I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.

Ford

I can’t find him: maybe the scoundrel boasted about things he couldn’t pull off.

Mistress Page

[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?

Mistress Page

[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Did you hear that?

Mistress Ford

You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

Mistress Ford

You’re treating me well, Master Ford, aren’t you?

Ford

Ay, I do so.

Ford

Yes, I am.

Mistress Ford

Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

Mistress Ford

May heaven make you better than your actions suggest!

Ford

Amen!

Ford

Amen!

Mistress Page

You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

Mistress Page

You’re treating yourself very unfairly, Master Ford.

Ford

Ay, ay; I must bear it.

Ford

Yes, yes; I have to put up with it.

Sir Hugh Evans

If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

Sir Hugh Evans

If there’s anyone in the house, or in the rooms, or in the chests, or in the cupboards, may God forgive my sins on Judgment Day!

Doctor Caius

By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

Doctor Caius

By God, I don’t see anyone either: there’s no one here.

Page

Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.

Page

Shame on you, Master Ford! Aren’t you embarrassed? What kind of spirit, what devil put these thoughts in your head? I wouldn’t want to have your troubles for all the wealth of Windsor Castle.

Ford

’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

Ford

It’s my fault, Master Page: I’m suffering for it.

Sir Hugh Evans

You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.

Sir Hugh Evans

You’re suffering because of a guilty conscience: your wife is as honest as any woman I would want, even among five thousand, or five hundred more.

Doctor Caius

By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.

Doctor Caius

By God, I can see she’s an honest woman.

Ford

Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.

Ford

Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, let’s walk in the park: I beg you, forgive me; I will explain to you later why I did this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. Please forgive me; I ask for your full forgiveness.

Page

Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after, we’ll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

Page

Let’s go in, gentlemen; but trust me, we’ll make fun of him. I’m inviting you to my house tomorrow morning for breakfast: then we’ll go bird hunting together; I have a good hawk for the hunt. Shall we do that?

Ford

Any thing.

Ford

Anything.

Sir Hugh Evans

If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

Sir Hugh Evans

If there’s one, I’ll make two in the group.

Doctor Caius

If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

Doctor Caius

If there’s one or two, I’ll make the joke.

Ford

Pray you, go, Master Page.

Ford

Please, go ahead, Master Page.

Sir Hugh Evans

I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.

Sir Hugh Evans

Please, don’t forget about that sneaky scoundrel, my host, tomorrow.

Doctor Caius

Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

Doctor Caius

That’s good; by God, with all my heart!

Sir Hugh Evans

A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

Sir Hugh Evans

A sneaky scoundrel, to make fun of us with his jokes and mockery!

Exuent
Exit

End of Act 3, Scene 3

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