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Modern English
I will not lend thee a penny.
I won’t lend you a single penny.
Why, then the world’s mine oyster. Which I with sword will open.
Well, then the world is mine to take. I’ll open it with my sword.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Not a penny. I’ve been patient, sir, letting you use my face to borrow money; I’ve begged my friends for three reprieves for you and your buddy Nym; or else you’d be looking through bars, like a couple of monkeys. I’m going to hell for lying to my noble friends, telling them you were brave soldiers and strong men; and when Mistress Bridget lost her fan’s handle, I swore on my honor you didn’t have it.
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Didn’t you get a share? Didn’t you have fifteen pence?
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
Think, you fool, think: do you really believe I’ll risk my soul for free? In a word, don’t keep following me around, I’m not a hanging post for you. Go. A quick knife and a crowded street! Go back to your Pickt-hatch place! Go. You won’t carry a letter for me, you scoundrel! You care about your honor! Why, you worthless piece of dirt, it’s all I can do to keep my own honor in check: I, I, I myself sometimes, ignoring God and hiding my honor when I’m desperate, have to cheat, lie, and sneak around; and yet you, fool, wrap yourself in your rags, your nonsense, your bold talk, and your loud oaths, hiding behind your honor! You won’t do it, will you?
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
I give in: what else do you want from me?
Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Sir, there’s a woman who wants to speak to you.
Let her approach.
Let her come forward.
Give your worship good morrow.
Good morning, your worship.
Good morrow, good wife.
Good morning, good woman.
Not so, an’t please your worship.
Not quite, if it pleases your worship.
Good maid, then.
Good girl, then.
I’ll be sworn, As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
I swear, Just like my mother did, the moment I was born.
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
I believe the swearer. What’s going on with me?
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Should I give you a word or two, your worship?
Two thousand, fair woman: and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Two thousand, beautiful woman: and I’ll listen to you.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master Doctor Caius,--
There’s a woman named Mistress Ford, sir:--please, come a little closer this way:--I live with Master Doctor Caius,--
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
Go on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Yes, your worship is right: please, come a little closer this way.
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine own people.
Don’t worry, no one can hear us; my own people, my own people.
Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
Really? God bless them and make them His servants!
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
Well, Mistress Ford; what about her?
Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!
Well, sir, she’s a good woman. Goodness, your worship is a rascal! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--
Mistress Ford; come on, Mistress Ford,--
Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Well, here’s the short version: you’ve made her so upset it’s unbelievable. The best nobleman in the court when it was in Windsor could never have caused such a fuss. Even though there have been knights, lords, and gentlemen, with their carriages, I swear, carriage after carriage, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so flashy, I swear, all silk and gold; and using such sweet words; and with the best wine and sugar, so rich and sweet, that would’ve won any woman’s heart; and yet, I swear, none of them could ever get even the slightest response from her: I myself got twenty angels this morning; but I reject all angels, in any form, except in honesty: and, I swear, none of them could ever get her to even drink a sip with the proudest of them all: and still, there have been earls, and even pensioners; but, I swear, it makes no difference to her.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
But what does she say to me? Be quick, my good messenger.
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
Well, she’s received your letter, for which she thanks you a thousand times; and she wants you to know that her husband will be gone from the house between ten and eleven.
Ten and eleven?
Ten and eleven?
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he’s a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
Yes, really; and then you can come and see the picture, she says, that you know about: Master Ford, her husband, will be out. Oh dear! the sweet woman has a hard life with him: he’s a very jealous man: she has a really difficult life with him, poor thing.
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
Ten and eleven. Woman, say hello to her for me; I will not fail her.
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Well, you’re right. But I have another message for you. Mistress Page sends her warm regards to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as virtuous a respectable modest wife, and one, I tell you, who will never miss your morning or evening prayer, as anyone in Windsor, no matter who else is around: and she asked me to tell you that her husband is rarely at home; but she hopes there will come a time. I’ve never known a woman so crazy about a man: surely I think you have some kind of magic, really; yes, truly.
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my good parts aside I have no other charms.
Not me, I assure you: putting aside the appeal of my good qualities, I have no other charms.
Blessing on your heart for’t!
Bless your heart for saying that!
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
But, please, tell me this: have Ford’s wife and Page’s wife shared with each other how they feel about me?
That were a jest indeed! they have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
That would be a real joke! they’re not that rude, I hope: that would be a trick indeed! but Mistress Page would like you to send her your little page, please: her husband has a strange attraction to the little page; and honestly Master Page is a good man. No wife in Windsor has a better life than she does: she does what she wants, says what she wants, takes all, pays all, goes to bed when she wants, wakes up when she wants, everything is as she chooses: and honestly, she deserves it; because if there is a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; there’s no choice.
Why, I will.
Alright, I will.
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Well, do it then: and look, he can come and go between you both; and in any case, have a secret word, so you can understand each other’s thoughts, and the boy never needs to understand anything; because it’s not good for children to know any wrongdoing: older people, you know, have good judgment, as they say, and know the world.
Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.
Farewell: say hi to both of them for me: here’s my purse; I still owe you. Boy, go with this woman.
This news distracts me!
This news is driving me crazy!
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers: Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights: Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
This woman is one of Cupid’s helpers: Raise the sails; pursue; go up with your weapons: Fire the guns: she is my prize, or the ocean will swallow us all!
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
Did you say that, old Jack? go your way; I’ll make more use of your old body than I have before. Will they still be watching you? After spending so much money, will you now come out ahead? Good body, I thank you. Let them say it’s poorly done; as long as it’s done well, who cares?
Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
Sir John, there’s a Master Brook downstairs who wants to talk to you and get to know you; and he’s sent you a morning drink of wine.
Brook is his name?
Brook is his name?
Ay, sir.
Yes, sir.
Call him in.
Bring him in.
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Such people named Brook are welcome to me, as they bring such fine liquor. Ha! Have I trapped you, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page? Come on; let’s go!
Bless you, sir!
Bless you, sir!
And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
And you, sir! Do you want to talk to me?
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
I hope you’ll excuse me for coming with so little notice.
You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave, drawer.
You’re welcome. What can I do for you? Leave us, servant.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
Sir, I am a gentleman who has spent a lot of money; my name is Brook.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Good Master Brook, I’d like to get to know you better.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embolden’d me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Good Sir John, I’m here to ask for your help: not to put any pressure on you; but I must let you know I think I’m in a better position to lend money than you are: which has given me the confidence to approach you in this unexpected way; for they say, if money is involved, all paths are open.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Money is a good ally, sir, and will keep moving forward.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Honestly, I have a bag of money here that’s bothering me: if you’ll help carry it, Sir John, take it all, or half, to ease me of the burden.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Sir, I don’t know how I could deserve to be your porter.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
I’ll tell you, sir, if you’ll listen to me.
Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant.
Go ahead, good Master Brook: I’ll be happy to be your servant.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief with you,--and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
Sir, I hear you’re a scholar,--I’ll be brief with you,--and you’ve been a man I’ve known for a long time, although I never had the right opportunity, just the desire, to get to know you better. I’m about to reveal something to you, where I’ll have to admit a lot of my own flaws: but, good Sir John, while you listen to my foolishness, also consider your own faults; so that I can be more easily reproached, since you know yourself how easy it is to be such an offender.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Very well, sir; go on.
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband’s name is Ford.
There’s a lady in this town; her husband’s name is Ford.
Well, sir.
Well, sir.
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this: ’Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.’
I’ve loved her for a long time, and, I swear to you, I’ve spent a lot on her; followed her with foolish devotion; made every chance to see her; paid for even the smallest opportunities that would just barely let me see her; not only bought her many gifts, but also asked many people what she’d like to receive; in short, I’ve pursued her as love has pursued me; which has been at the mercy of every opportunity. But whatever I’ve deserved, either in my heart or, in my wealth, reward, I’m sure, I’ve received none; unless experience is a treasure I’ve bought at an outrageous price, and that’s taught me to say this: ‘Love, like a shadow, runs away when real love chases it; Chasing what runs, and running from what chases.’
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Have you gotten no promise of anything in return from her?
Never.
Never.
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Have you begged her for that?
Never.
Never.
Of what quality was your love, then?
What kind of love was this, then?
Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
Like a beautiful house built on someone else’s land; so I’ve lost my building because I made a mistake about the place where I built it.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Why are you telling me this?
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
When I’ve told you that, I’ve told you everything. Some say that even though she seems honest to me, in other places she acts so carefree that people think badly of her. Now, Sir John, here’s the heart of my plan: you are a man of great breeding, amazing at conversation, with a lot of connections, respected in your role and person, generally praised for your many military, royal, and scholarly preparations.
O, sir!
Oh, sir!
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Believe it, because you know it. There’s money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend everything I have; just give me as much of your time in return, to put an irresistible pressure on the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your skills in wooing; get her to agree to you: if any man can, you can as easily as anyone.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Would it fit well with how strongly you feel that I should win what you want? It seems to me you’re giving yourself terrible advice.
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I could come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
Oh, understand my meaning. She feels so secure in the greatness of her honor, that the foolishness of my soul dares not show itself: she is too pure to be challenged. Now, if I could come to her with proof in my hand, my desires would have reasons and arguments to back themselves up: I could then strip away her purity, her reputation, her marriage vows, and a thousand other defenses that are now too strong for me. What do you think, Sir John?
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
Master Brook, I will first take your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you wish, enjoy Ford’s wife.
O good sir!
Oh good sir!
I say you shall.
I say you shall.
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
Don’t worry about money, Sir John; you won’t need any.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
Don’t worry about Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you won’t need any. I’ll be with her, I can tell you, at her invitation; just like you came in to me, her messenger or go-between left me: I say I’ll be with her between ten and eleven; because at that time her jealous, sneaky husband will be out. Come to me at night; you’ll know how I do.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
I am lucky to know you. Do you know Ford, sir?
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.
Forget him, that poor, cuckolded fool! I don’t know him: yet I’m wrong to call him poor; they say the jealous idiot has loads of money; and for that reason his wife seems pretty to me. I will use her as the key to the cuckold’s safe; and that’s my payday.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
I wish you knew Ford, sir, so you could avoid him if you saw him.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Forget him, you worthless, low-life idiot! I’ll scare him out of his wits; I’ll intimidate him with my stick: it’ll hang like a comet over the cuckold’s head. Master Brook, you’ll see I will overpower that peasant, and you’ll sleep with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a scoundrel, and I’ll make sure he knows it; you, Master Brook, will know him for a fool and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
What a damnable, greedy scoundrel is this! My heart is ready to break with impatience. Who says this is irrational jealousy? My wife has sent to him; the time is set; the deal is made. Would anyone have guessed this? Look at the misery of having a cheating wife! My bed will be dishonored, my money stolen, my reputation ruined; and I won’t just suffer this terrible wrong, I’ll also be called terrible names, and by the man who does this to me. Names! words! Amaimon sounds nice; Lucifer, sure; Barbason, fine; but Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself doesn’t have a worse name. Page is a fool, a trusting fool: he trusts his wife; he isn’t jealous. I’d rather trust a Flemish man with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my liquor bottle, or a thief to ride my lazy horse, than trust my wife with herself; then she plots, then she thinks, then she plans; and whatever they feel in their hearts they’ll make happen, they’ll break their hearts to make it happen. Thank God for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock, that’s the time. I’ll stop this, catch my wife, get back at Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I’ll get on with it; better three hours too early than one minute too late. Damn it, damn it, damn it! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!