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Modern English
What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday- time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
What, have I escaped love letters during the best years of my looks, and now I’m a target for them? Let me see.
’Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there’s more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,-- that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; ’tis not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me, Thine own true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF’ What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard picked--with the devil’s name!--out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
’Don’t ask me why I love you; even though Love uses Reason as his doctor, he doesn’t let him be his adviser. You’re not young, and neither am I; so there’s some common ground: you’re happy, and so am I; ha, ha! so we have more in common: you like wine, and so do I; would you want more common ground? Let it be enough for you, Mistress Page, -- at least, if a soldier’s love is enough -- that I love you. I won’t say, pity me; that’s not how a soldier talks: but I say, love me. By me, Your true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might To fight for you, JOHN FALSTAFF’ What a monster of pride is this! Oh wicked world! A man who’s almost falling apart with age trying to act like a young lover! What a thoughtless fool has this drunken fool picked out of my words -- by the devil’s name! -- that he dares to try this with me? Why, he hasn’t been in my company three times! What should I say to him? I was careful with my laughter back then: Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll file a complaint in parliament to get rid of men like him. How should I get back at him? Because get back at him I will, as sure as his guts are full of sausages.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page! Believe me, I was just heading to your house.
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
And, believe me, I was coming to you. You look very unwell.
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
No, I’ll never believe that; I have proof to the contrary.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Honestly, but you do, in my opinion.
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
Well, I do then; but still, I say I could show you otherwise. Oh Mistress Page, give me some advice!
What’s the matter, woman?
What’s wrong, woman?
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
Oh, woman, if it weren’t for one small thing, I could achieve such greatness!
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Forget the small thing, woman! take the greatness. What is it? Forget the small stuff; what is it?
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.
If I would just go to hell for a brief moment, I could be knighted.
What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
What? You’re lying! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will fight; and so you shouldn’t change the nature of your nobility.
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ’Green Sleeves.’ What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
We’re wasting daylight: here, read, read; see how I could be knighted. I’ll think worse of fat men, as long as I can tell the difference in what men like: and yet he wouldn’t swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such calm and well-mannered criticism to everything ugly, that I would have sworn his character would align with the truth of his words; but they don’t stick together any more than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ’Green Sleeves.’ What storm, I wonder, washed this whale, full of oil, up to Windsor? How should I get back at him? I think the best way is to keep him entertained with hope, until the wicked fire of lust melts him in his own fat. Have you ever heard anything like it?
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names--sure, more,--and these are of the second edition: he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Letter for letter, except the names Page and Ford are different! For your comfort in this mystery of bad opinions, here’s the twin brother of your letter: but let yours be the first to inherit it; because, I swear, mine never will. I’m sure he has a thousand of these letters, with blank spaces for different names—probably more—and these are the second edition: he’ll print them, no doubt; because he doesn’t care what he prints, when it’s about us two. I’d rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lecherous men before I find one chaste man.
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
Why, this is exactly the same; the same handwriting, the same words. What does he think of us?
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
I don’t know: it almost makes me ready to argue with my own honesty. I’ll pretend to be someone I don’t know; because, surely, unless he knows some secret about me that I don’t even know myself, he would never have come at me so angrily.
’Boarding,’ call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
’Come at me,’ you call it? I’ll make sure to keep him above deck.
So will I if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him: let’s appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
So will I if he comes below deck, I’ll never sail again. Let’s get back at him: let’s set up a meeting; give him the illusion of comfort in his pursuit, and lead him on with a nicely-timed delay, until he’s had to pawn his horses at the Garter inn.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
No, I’ll agree to any trick against him, as long as it doesn’t stain our honesty. Oh, if only my husband saw this letter! It would feed his jealousy forever.
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
Look, here he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him a reason; and I hope that’s an immeasurable distance.
You are the happier woman.
You’re the luckier woman.
Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
Let’s make plans together against this greasy knight. Come here.
Well, I hope it be not so.
Well, I hope it’s not true.
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.
Hope is a useless dog in some matters: Sir John fancies your wife.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Well, sir, my wife isn’t young.
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford; He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
He courts everyone, rich and poor, young and old, Ford; He loves the whole mix of people: Ford, think about it.
Love my wife!
Love my wife!
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels: O, odious is the name!
With a passion that’s burning inside him. Watch out, or go, Like Sir Actaeon, chased by his dog Ringwood: Oh, that’s an awful thing to be called!
What name, sir?
What name, sir?
The horn, I say. Farewell. Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night: Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym! Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
The horn, I mean. Goodbye. Be careful, keep your eyes open, for thieves walk around at night: Be careful, before summer comes and the cuckoo birds start singing. Goodbye, Corporal Nym! Believe me, Page; he makes sense.
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
[Aside] I’ll stay calm; I will figure this out.
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; ’tis true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese, and there’s the humour of it. Adieu.
[To PAGE] And it’s true; I don’t like lying. He’s wronged me in some way: I should have delivered the letter to her; but I have a sword and I’ll use it if necessary. He loves your wife; that’s the simple truth. My name is Corporal Nym; I swear it’s true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife. Goodbye. I don’t like the simple life of bread and cheese, and that’s the point of it. Goodbye.
’The humour of it,’ quoth a’! here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
"The point of it," he says! This guy’s scaring the English language out of its mind.
I will seek out Falstaff.
I’ll go after Falstaff.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
I’ve never heard such a slow, over-the-top liar.
If I do find it: well.
If I find him: we’ll see.
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him for a true man.
I won’t believe a word from such a foreigner, even if the priest of the town calls him a good man.
’Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
He was a sensible guy: well.
How now, Meg!
What’s going on, Meg!
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
Where are you going, George? Listen to me.
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
What’s wrong, sweet Frank? Why are you so sad?
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
Me sad! I’m not sad. Go home, just go.
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
Honestly, you have some strange thoughts in your head. Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George.
Alright then. You’ll join us for dinner, George.
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
Look who’s coming over there: she’ll be our messenger to this foolish knight.
[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.
[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I was thinking of her: she’ll do perfectly.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
You’ve come to see my daughter Anne?
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Yes, indeed; and, please, how is good Mistress Anne?
Go in with us and see: we have an hour’s talk with you.
Come in with us and see her: we have an hour to talk with you.
How now, Master Ford!
What’s going on, Master Ford?
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
You heard what this idiot said to me, didn’t you?
Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
Yes: and did you hear what the other guy told me?
Do you think there is truth in them?
Do you think there’s any truth to it?
Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Forget them, idiots! I don’t think the knight would suggest it: but the ones accusing him of trying to do something with our wives are just a bunch of his former employees; a bunch of criminals, now that they’re out of a job.
Were they his men?
Were they his employees?
Marry, were they.
Yes, they were.
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
I don’t like that any more because of it. Does he stay at the Garter?
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Yes, he does. If he really meant to do this to my wife, I would just let him have her; and if he gets anything more than a few harsh words from her, let it be my responsibility.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
I don’t doubt my wife, but I’d hate to have them together. A man can be too trusting: I don’t want anything bad to happen because of it: I can’t be satisfied with this.
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
Look, here comes my cheerful innkeeper from the Garter: there’s either alcohol in his head or money in his pocket when he’s this happy.
How now, mine host!
How’s it going, innkeeper!
How now, bully-rook! thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
How’s it going, bully-rook! You’re a gentleman. Cavalier-justice, I say!
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand.
I’m following, innkeeper, I’m following. Good evening and twenty good evenings, Master Page! Master Page, will you come with us? We’ve got some fun planned.
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Tell him, cavalier-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Sir, there’s going to be a fight between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
Good innkeeper at the Garter, I need to speak with you.
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
What’s up, my tough guy?
[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[To PAGE] Will you come with us to watch it? My cheerful host has measured their weapons; and I think he’s set them up in opposite places; because, trust me, I hear the parson isn’t a fool. Listen, I’ll tell you what our fun will be.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire?
Don’t you have any complaint against my knight, my guest-knight?
None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest.
No, I swear: but I’ll give you a bottle of burnt wine if you help me talk to him and tell him my name is Brook; just for a joke.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; --said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
My word, tough guy; you’ll have your go and come back; --did I say that right?--and your name will be Brook. He’s a merry knight. Will you come, An-heires?
Have with you, mine host.
Let’s go, innkeeper.
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
I’ve heard the Frenchman is good with a rapier.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Nonsense, sir, I could have told you more. These days you focus on stance, your lunges, thrusts, and I don’t know what else: it’s the heart, Master Page; it’s right here, it’s here. I’ve seen times when, with my long sword, I would’ve made you four big guys jump like rats.
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Here, boys, here, here! Shall we move?
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Let’s go. I’d rather hear them argue than fight.
Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page’s house; and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into’t: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.
Though Page is a naive fool, and firmly believes in his wife’s weakness, I still can’t shake my suspicions so easily: she was with him at Page’s house; and what they did there, I don’t know. Well, I’ll look into it more: and I have a disguise to test Falstaff. If I find her innocent, I won’t have wasted my time; if she’s not, it’s time well spent.