The Merry Wives of Windsor · Act 1, Scene 4

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Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i’ faith, and find any body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the king’s English.

Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! Please, go to the window, and see if you can spot my master, Doctor Caius, coming. If he does, I swear, and finds anyone in the house, it’ll be a huge offense to God’s patience and the king’s English.

Rugby

I’ll go watch.

Rugby

I’ll go and check.

Mistress Quickly

Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.

Mistress Quickly

Go; and we’ll make a hot drink for you later, I swear, at the end of a coal fire.

Exit RUGBY
Exit RUGBY
Mistress Quickly

An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Mistress Quickly

An honest, willing, kind man, as ever a servant will be, and, I promise you, not a gossip or a troublemaker: his worst fault is, that he prays too much; he’s a little annoying that way: but no one’s perfect; let’s forget about that. Peter Simple, you said your name is?

Simple

Ay, for fault of a better.

Simple

Yes, because I couldn’t think of a better one.

Mistress Quickly

And Master Slender’s your master?

Mistress Quickly

And Master Slender is your boss?

Simple

Ay, forsooth.

Simple

Yes, indeed.

Mistress Quickly

Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?

Mistress Quickly

Doesn’t he have a big round beard, like a glove-maker’s knife?

Simple

No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

Simple

No, indeed: he only has a tiny face, with a small yellow beard, a reddish-brown beard.

Mistress Quickly

A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

Mistress Quickly

He’s not a soft, quick-moving man, is he?

Simple

Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.

Simple

Yes, indeed: but he is as strong a man as any you’ll find between here and his head; he’s fought with a rabbit-catcher.

Mistress Quickly

How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

Mistress Quickly

What did you say? Oh, I should recognize him: doesn’t he hold his head high and walk with a swagger?

Simple

Yes, indeed, does he.

Simple

Yes, indeed, he does.

Mistress Quickly

Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

Mistress Quickly

Well, I hope Anne Page has better luck! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

Re-enter RUGBY
Re-enter RUGBY
Rugby

Out, alas! here comes my master.

Rugby

Oh no! here comes my master.

Mistress Quickly

We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet: he will not stay long.

Mistress Quickly

We’re all going to be in trouble. Quick, go in here, young man; hide in this closet: he won’t be here long.

Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.

Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go ask about my master; I’m worried he’s not feeling well, since he hasn’t come home.

Singing
Singing
Mistress Quickly

And down, down, adown-a, & c.

Mistress Quickly

And down, down, down-a, & c.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
Doctor Caius

Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.

Doctor Caius

What are you singing? I don’t like these toys. Please, go and fetch me in my room a green box, a box, a green box: do you understand what I’m saying? A green box.

Mistress Quickly

Ay, forsooth; I’ll fetch it you.

Mistress Quickly

Yes, indeed; I’ll fetch it for you.

Aside
Aside
Mistress Quickly

I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

Mistress Quickly

I’m glad he didn’t go himself: if he had found the young man, he would have gone completely crazy.

Doctor Caius

Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.

Doctor Caius

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! By my faith, it’s very hot. I am going to the court—the big event.

Mistress Quickly

Is it this, sir?

Mistress Quickly

Is this it, sir?

Doctor Caius

Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?

Doctor Caius

Yes; put it in my pocket: hurry, quickly. Where is that rascal Rugby?

Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! John!

Mistress Quickly

What, John Rugby! John!

Rugby

Here, sir!

Rugby

Here, sir!

Doctor Caius

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

Doctor Caius

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take your sword, and follow me to the court.

Rugby

’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

Rugby

It’s ready, sir, here in the porch.

Doctor Caius

By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me! Qu’ai-j’oublie! dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

Doctor Caius

By my troth, I’m taking too long. Good heavens! What did I forget! There are some herbs in my room, that I definitely cannot leave behind for the world.

Mistress Quickly

Ay me, he’ll find the young man here, and be mad!

Mistress Quickly

Oh dear, he’ll find the young man here, and he’ll be mad!

Doctor Caius

O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!

Doctor Caius

Oh devil, devil! What’s in my room? Villain! Thief!

Pulling SIMPLE out
Pulling SIMPLE out
Doctor Caius

Rugby, my rapier!

Doctor Caius

Rugby, my sword!

Mistress Quickly

Good master, be content.

Mistress Quickly

Please, master, calm down.

Doctor Caius

Wherefore shall I be content-a?

Doctor Caius

Why should I calm down?

Mistress Quickly

The young man is an honest man.

Mistress Quickly

The young man is a good man.

Doctor Caius

What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

Doctor Caius

What’s a good man doing in my room? There’s no good man who should be in my room.

Mistress Quickly

I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

Mistress Quickly

Please, don’t be so stubborn. Let me tell you the truth: he came on an errand from Parson Hugh.

Doctor Caius

Vell.

Doctor Caius

Well.

Simple

Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--

Simple

Yes, indeed; to ask her to--

Mistress Quickly

Peace, I pray you.

Mistress Quickly

Please, be quiet.

Doctor Caius

Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

Doctor Caius

Quiet your mouth. Speak your story.

Simple

To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.

Simple

To ask this good lady, your servant, to say something nice about Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the matter of marriage.

Mistress Quickly

This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need not.

Mistress Quickly

That’s all, really! But I’ll never stick my hand in the fire if I don’t need to.

Doctor Caius

Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper. Tarry you a little-a while.

Doctor Caius

Did Sir Hugh send you? Rugby, bring me some paper. Wait a little while.

Writes
Writes
Mistress Quickly

[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do all myself,--

Mistress Quickly

[Aside to SIMPLE] I’m glad he’s so calm: if he’d been really upset, you would’ve heard him shouting and sounding all gloomy. But anyway, man, I’ll do what I can for your master: the bottom line is, the French doctor, my master—I can call him my master, you see, because I run his household; I wash, wring out, brew, bake, scrub, prepare food and drinks, make the beds, and do everything myself—

Simple

[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] ’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.

Simple

[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] It’s a big responsibility to handle everything for one person.

Mistress Quickly

[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o’ that? you shall find it a great charge: and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind,--that’s neither here nor there.

Mistress Quickly

[Aside to SIMPLE] Have you thought about that? You will find it a big responsibility: to be up early and stay up late; but anyway,--to tell you secretly,-- my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but even so, I know Anne’s feelings,--but that doesn’t matter.

Doctor Caius

You jack’nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog:

Doctor Caius

You idiot, give this letter to Sir Hugh; by God, it’s a challenge: I will slit his throat in the park; and I will teach that miserable priest a lesson for interfering. You can leave now; it’s not good for you to stay here. By God, I will cut off his two stones; by God, he won’t have a stone left to throw at his dog:

Exit SIMPLE
Exit SIMPLE
Mistress Quickly

Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

Mistress Quickly

Alas, he’s only speaking on behalf of his friend.

Doctor Caius

It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

Doctor Caius

It doesn’t matter that: don’t you tell me that I will have Anne Page for myself? By God, I will kill the priest; and I’ve arranged with my host at the Jarter to measure our weapons. By God, I will have Anne Page myself.

Mistress Quickly

Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

Mistress Quickly

Sir, the girl loves you, and everything will be fine. We must let people talk: what, the good people!

Doctor Caius

Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

Doctor Caius

Rugby, come to the court with me. By God, if I don’t have Anne Page, I will throw you out of my house. Follow me, Rugby.

Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
Mistress Quickly

You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

Mistress Quickly

You will have a fool’s head of your own. No, I know Anne’s feelings on that: no woman in Windsor knows more about Anne’s feelings than I do; nor can do more with her, I thank heaven.

Fenton

[Within] Who’s within there? ho!

Fenton

[Within] Who’s in there? Hey!

Mistress Quickly

Who’s there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.

Mistress Quickly

Who’s there, I wonder! Come closer to the house, please.

Enter FENTON
Enter FENTON
Fenton

How now, good woman? how dost thou?

Fenton

Hello, good woman! How are you?

Mistress Quickly

The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

Mistress Quickly

I’m doing well, thanks for asking, your worship.

Fenton

What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

Fenton

What’s the news? How is pretty Mistress Anne?

Mistress Quickly

In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

Mistress Quickly

Truly, sir, she is pretty, and honest, and kind; and someone who is your friend, I can tell you that for sure; I thank heaven for it.

Fenton

Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?

Fenton

Do you think I’ll have any luck, or will I lose my case?

Mistress Quickly

Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

Mistress Quickly

Honestly, sir, it’s all in God’s hands: but still, Master Fenton, I swear on a Bible, she loves you. Don’t you have a wart above your eye?

Fenton

Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

Fenton

Yes, indeed, I do; what’s the matter with that?

Mistress Quickly

Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread: we had an hour’s talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company! But indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing: but for you--well, go to.

Mistress Quickly

Well, there’s a story behind it: truly, it’s just like another girl named Nan; but, I swear, she’s as honest as any maid who ever ate bread: we talked about that wart for an hour. I’ll never laugh except when I’m with that maid! But really, she spends too much time being melancholy and lost in thought: but for you—well, never mind.

Fenton

Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.

Fenton

Well, I’ll see her today. Here, take this money for you; give me your support: if you see her before I do, tell her I send my regards.

Mistress Quickly

Will I? i’faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.

Mistress Quickly

Will I? I swear I will; and I’ll tell you more about the wart the next time we have a private chat; and about other suitors.

Fenton

Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

Fenton

Well, goodbye; I’m in a big hurry now.

Mistress Quickly

Farewell to your worship.

Mistress Quickly

Goodbye, sir.

Exit FENTON
Exit FENTON
Mistress Quickly

Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon’t! what have I forgot?

Mistress Quickly

Truly, he’s a good man: but Anne doesn’t love him; I know Anne’s feelings just as well as anyone else. Oh, well! What did I forget?

Exit
Exit

End of Act 1, Scene 4

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