Original
Modern English
Mine host of the Garter!
My host at the Garter!
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
What’s up, my big guy? Speak clearly and wisely.
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Honestly, my host, I have to send some of my followers away.
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Let them go, strong man; fire them: let them go, trot along.
I sit at ten pounds a week.
I’m spending ten pounds a week here.
Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
You’re like an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I’ll keep Bardolph; he can serve drinks, he’ll pour and tap: did I say that right, big guy Hector?
Do so, good mine host.
Go ahead, my host.
I have spoke; let him follow.
I’ve said it; let him follow.
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Let me see you foam and pour: I’ve said my piece; follow.
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bardolph, follow him. Being a bartender is a good job: an old coat makes a new jacket; a worn-out servant makes a fresh bartender. Go; goodbye.
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
It’s a life I’ve wanted: I will succeed.
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Oh, lowly Hungarian scoundrel! Will you handle the beer tap?
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
He was made in a drunken state: isn’t his attitude arrogant?
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer; he kept not time.
I’m glad I’m done with this troublemaker: his crimes were too obvious; his stealing was like a bad singer; he couldn’t keep in time.
The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest.
The real skill is to steal when no one’s paying attention.
’Convey,’ the wise it call. ’Steal!’ foh! a fico for the phrase!
’Convey,’ the wise call it. ’Steal!’ Bah! forget that expression!
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Well, gentlemen, I’m almost out of money.
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Then let misfortune follow.
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
There’s no choice; I must trick people; I have to make do.
Young ravens must have food.
Young ravens need to be fed.
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Which of you knows Ford from this town?
I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
I know the man: he’s a man of good means.
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
My good fellows, I’ll tell you what I’m planning.
Two yards, and more.
Two yards, and more.
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is, ’I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’
No jokes now, Pistol! Yes, I’m two yards around the waist, but I’m not here for that kind of thing; I’m here for being smart with my money. To put it simply, I mean to try to win over Ford’s wife: I see a chance there; she talks, she cuts, she gives me looks that say ’come on’: I can read the way she behaves; and if I had to put it into plain English, it would be, ’I belong to Sir John Falstaff.’
He hath studied her will, and translated her will, out of honesty into English.
He’s figured out what she wants, and translated it, turning it from honest to English.
The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
This is serious: will this mood work?
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels.
Now, the rumor is she controls her husband’s money: he’s got a lot of cash.
As many devils entertain; and ’To her, boy,’ say I.
As many problems as he has money; and ’Go for it, boy,’ I say.
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
The mood is building; it’s working: make sure the money’s with it.
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
I’ve written her a letter here: and here’s another one for Page’s wife, who just gave me some nice looks too, checked me out carefully; sometimes her gaze lit up my foot, sometimes my big belly.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Then the sun must have shone on a pile of manure.
I thank thee for that humour.
Thanks for that joke.
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Oh, she was eyeing me so greedily, it felt like her gaze was burning me up like a magnifying glass! Here’s another letter to her: she has the money too; she’s like a treasure chest, all gold and wealth. I’m going to trick them both, and they’ll be my money bags; they’ll be my gold mines, and I’ll make deals with both of them. You take this letter to Mistress Page; and you take this one to Mistress Ford: we’re going to do well, lads, we’re going to do well.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Shall I become the matchmaker like Pandarus from Troy, and wear armor by my side? Then, hell take it all!
I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
I’m not going to do anything dishonorable: here, take the letter for the job: I’ll keep my reputation intact.
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
[To ROBIN] Here, boy, take these letters and hold them tight; Sail like my ship to these golden shores. Get lost, you rogues! Go away like hailstones, just go; Walk off, move it; find somewhere to hide, get out of here! Falstaff will learn what’s popular these days, Get smart with money, you rogues; I’ll be with the pretty page.
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor: Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
Let vultures tear you apart! For you’ll be eaten up, And both rich and poor are fooled: I’ll have a coin in my pocket when you’re empty, You worthless Turk!
I have operations which be humours of revenge.
I’ve got plans for revenge.
Wilt thou revenge?
Are you going to take revenge?
By welkin and her star!
By heaven and the stars!
With wit or steel?
With your mind or with a weapon?
With both the humours, I: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
With both, I’ll use my wit and my sword: I’ll talk to Page about this love business.
And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.
And I’ll go to Ford and tell him How Falstaff, that vile scoundrel, Will show his love, will hold onto his money, And will ruin his soft bed.
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
I won’t lose my temper: I’ll make Page angry, Make him deal with poison; I’ll make him jealous, Because my betrayal is dangerous: That’s my true nature.
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
You are the god of angry people: I support you; let’s go.