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Modern English
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
No, please, put on this gown and this beard; make him think you’re Sir Topas the priest: do it quickly; I’ll go get Sir Toby while you do it.
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
Well, I’ll put it on, and pretend to be him; I only wish I were the first person to ever pretend in such a gown. I’m not tall enough to fit the role well, nor skinny enough to be thought a good scholar; but being called an honest man and a good housekeeper works just as well as being called a careful man and a great scholar. The others arrive.
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
God bless you, Father.
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ’That that is is;’ so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is ’that’ but ’that,’ and ’is’ but ’is’?
Good day, Sir Toby: as the old hermit of Prague, who never saw pen or ink, cleverly said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ’That that is is’; so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; because, what is ’that’ but ’that,’ and ’is’ but ’is'?
To him, Sir Topas.
Go to him, Sir Topas.
What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
What, hey, I say! quiet down in this prison!
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
The rascal plays his part well; a good rascal.
[Within] Who calls there?
[From inside] Who’s there?
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
Sir Topas the priest, who comes to visit Malvolio the madman.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
Get out, you exaggerated devil! How are you tormenting this man! Do you talk only about women?
Well said, Master Parson.
Well said, Master Parson.
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
Sir Topas, no one has been more wronged than I: please, Sir Topas, don’t think I’m mad: they’ve locked me up here in horrible darkness.
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark?
Shame on you, dishonest devil! I’m calling you by the most polite terms; because I’m one of those kind people who will treat the devil himself with respect: do you say this house is dark?
As hell, Sir Topas.
As dark as hell, Sir Topas.
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
But it has bay windows that are as clear as barricades, and the skylights to the south are as shiny as ebony; and still you complain about being obstructed?
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
I’m not mad, Sir Topas: I’m telling you, this house is dark.
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
Madman, you’re wrong: I say, there’s no darkness except ignorance; and you’re more confused than the Egyptians were in their fog.
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, even if ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there has never been a man so mistreated. I’m not any more mad than you are: test me with any straightforward question.
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
What does Pythagoras think about wild birds?
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
That our grandmother’s soul might possibly inhabit a bird.
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
What do you think of his idea?
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
I think highly of the soul, but I don’t agree with his idea.
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
Goodbye. Stay in the darkness: you’ll believe in Pythagoras’s idea before I’ll accept your sanity, and you’re afraid to kill a woodcock, lest you disturb your grandmother’s soul. Goodbye.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
My most excellent Sir Topas!
Nay, I am for all waters.
No, I’m ready for anything.
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not.
You could have done this without your beard and gown: he doesn’t see you.
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Speak to him in your own voice, and let me know how you find him: I wish we could get rid of this trickery. If he can be easily sent away, I wish he were, because I’m so upset with my niece that I can’t continue with this prank without putting myself in danger. Come back to my room shortly.
[Singing] ’Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.’
[Singing] ’Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how your lady is.’
Fool!
Idiot!
’My lady is unkind, perdy.’
’My lady is cruel, I swear.’
Fool!
Idiot!
’Alas, why is she so?’
’Oh, why is she so?’
Fool, I say!
Fool, I said!
’She loves another’--Who calls, ha?
’She loves someone else’--Who’s calling, huh?
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.
Good fool, if you ever want to be rewarded by me, bring me a candle, pen, ink, and paper: as I’m a gentleman, I will be grateful to you for it.
Master Malvolio?
Master Malvolio?
Ay, good fool.
Yes, good fool.
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Oh, sir, how did you lose your mind?
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Fool, there’s never been a man so terribly mistreated: I am as sane as you are, fool.
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
As sane? Then you really are crazy if you’re no smarter than a fool.
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
They’ve trapped me here; kept me in the dark, sent people to me, fools, and are doing everything they can to drive me crazy.
Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
Be careful what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, may the heavens restore your wits! try to sleep, and stop your silly chatter.
Sir Topas!
Sir Topas!
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi’ you, good Sir Topas. Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.
Don’t talk to him, good fellow. Who, me, sir? not me, sir. God be with you, good Sir Topas. Goodbye, amen. I will, sir, I will.
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
Oh, sir, please be patient. What are you saying, sir? I’m scolded for speaking to you.
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Good fool, help me get some light and paper: I tell you, I’m as sane as any man in Illyria.
Well-a-day that you were, sir
Oh, I wish you were, sir.
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; and send whatever I write to my lady: it’ll do more for you than anything you’ve done for me.
I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
I’ll help you with that. But tell me honestly, are you really mad? Or are you just pretending?
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Believe me, I’m not; I’m telling you the truth.
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
No, I’ll never believe a madman until I see his brains. I’ll bring you light, paper, and ink.
Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone.
Fool, I’ll repay you in the best way possible: I beg you, go away.
[Singing] I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain; Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad, Pare thy nails, dad; Adieu, good man devil.
[Singing] I’m off, sir, And soon, sir, I’ll be back with you, In a moment, Like the old Vice, To help with your need; Who, with a wooden dagger, In his anger and his fury, Shouts, ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad, Cutting your nails, dad; Goodbye, good man devil.