Love's Labour's Lost · Act 5, Scene 1

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Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL
Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL
Holofernes

Satis quod sufficit.

Holofernes

Enough is as good as a feast.

Sir Nathaniel

I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without scurrility, witty without affection, audacious without impudency, learned without opinion, and strange with- out heresy. I did converse this quondam day with a companion of the king’s, who is intituled, nomi- nated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.

Sir Nathaniel

I thank God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner have been sharp and full of meaning; pleasant without being rude, clever without being affectionate, bold without being shameless, learned without being opinionated, and strange without being heretical. I spoke today with a companion of the king’s, who is named, called, or titled, Don Adriano de Armado.

Holofernes

Novi hominem tanquam te: his humour is lofty, his discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye ambitious, his gait majestical, and his general behavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it were, too peregrinate, as I may call it.

Holofernes

I know the man like you: his attitude is haughty, his speech commanding, his tongue skilled, his eye proud, his walk royal, and his overall behavior vain, ridiculous, and pompous. He is too fancy, too neat, too affected, too strange, as if he were too much of a wanderer, as I might say.

Sir Nathaniel

A most singular and choice epithet.

Sir Nathaniel

A very unique and special description.

Draws out his table-book
Draws out his table-book
Holofernes

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. I abhor such fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and point-devise companions; such rackers of orthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he should say doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt,--d, e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf; half, hauf; neighbour vocatur nebor; neigh abbreviated ne. This is abhominable,--which he would call abbominable: it insinuateth me of insanie: anne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.

Holofernes

He pulls out the thread of his talk finer than the staple of his argument. I hate such fanatical fantasies, such unsociable and overly careful companions; such mispronouncers of words, like saying dout for doubt, fine when it should be doubt; det when it should be debt,--d, e, b, t, not d, e, t: he calls a calf, cauf; half, hauf; neighbour becomes nebor; neighbour shortened to ne. This is awful,--which he would call "abbominable": it suggests madness to me: do you understand, sir? to make crazy, lunatic.

Sir Nathaniel

Laus Deo, bene intelligo.

Sir Nathaniel

Praise God, I understand well.

Holofernes

Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratch’d, ’twill serve.

Holofernes

Good, good, very good, Priscian! a little off, but it’ll do.

Sir Nathaniel

Videsne quis venit?

Sir Nathaniel

Do you see who’s coming?

Holofernes

Video, et gaudeo.

Holofernes

I see, and I’m glad.

Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARD
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARD
Holofernes

DON

Holofernes

DON

Adriano De Armado

Chirrah!

Adriano De Armado

Hello!

To MOTH
To MOTH
Holofernes

Quare chirrah, not sirrah? DON

Holofernes

Why "chirrah" and not "sirrah"? DON

Adriano De Armado

Men of peace, well encountered.

Adriano De Armado

Men of peace, it’s good to see you.

Holofernes

Most military sir, salutation.

Holofernes

Most soldierly sir, greetings.

Moth

[Aside to COSTARD] They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

Moth

[Aside to COSTARD] They’ve just had a big feast of fancy words, and taken all the leftovers.

Costard

O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words. I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word; for thou art not so long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier swallowed than a flap-dragon.

Costard

Oh, they’ve lived off the charity of words. I wonder why your master hasn’t eaten you for a word; because you’re not as long in the head as "honorificabilitudinitatibus": you’re easier to swallow than a flap-dragon.

Moth

Peace! the peal begins. DON

Moth

Quiet! the noise begins. DON

Adriano De Armado

[To HOLOFERNES] Monsieur, are you not lettered?

Adriano De Armado

[To HOLOFERNES] Sir, are you not educated?

Moth

Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a, b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?

Moth

Yes, yes; he teaches boys the alphabet. What is "a," "b," spelled backwards, with the horn on his head?

Holofernes

Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.

Holofernes

"Ba," childhood, with a horn added.

Moth

Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.

Moth

"Ba," a silly sheep with a horn. You can hear his learning.

Holofernes

Quis, quis, thou consonant?

Holofernes

Who, who, you consonant?

Moth

The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or the fifth, if I.

Moth

The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or the fifth, if I.

Holofernes

I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--

Holofernes

I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--

Moth

The sheep: the other two concludes it,--o, u. DON

Moth

The sheep: the other two finish it,--o, u. DON

Adriano De Armado

Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet touch, a quick venue of wit! snip, snap, quick and home! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!

Adriano De Armado

Now, by the salty Mediterranean sea, what a sweet touch, a quick clever reply! snip, snap, fast and right to the point! It pleases my mind: true wit!

Moth

Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.

Moth

Given by a child to an old man; which is foolish wisdom.

Holofernes

What is the figure? what is the figure?

Holofernes

What is the symbol? What is the symbol?

Moth

Horns.

Moth

Horns.

Holofernes

Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.

Holofernes

You’re arguing like a baby: go, play with your toy.

Moth

Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about your infamy circum circa,--a gig of a cuckold’s horn.

Moth

Give me your horn to make one, and I’ll make fun of your disgrace, a cuckold’s horn.

Costard

An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst have it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the very remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny purse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an the heavens were so pleased that thou wert but my bastard, what a joyful father wouldst thou make me! Go to; thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers’ ends, as they say.

Costard

If I had just one penny in the world, you’d get it to buy gingerbread: here, take this, it’s the reward I got from your master, you half-wit, you egg-brained fool. Oh, if the heavens were kind enough that you were my illegitimate child, how happy I would be as your father! Go ahead; you’ve got it all from the garbage, as they say.

Holofernes

O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem. DON

Holofernes

Oh, I smell fake Latin; garbage for nail. DON

Adriano De Armado

Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singled from the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the charge-house on the top of the mountain?

Adriano De Armado

Scholar, walk ahead, we’ll be separated from the uncivilized. Don’t you teach the young at the schoolhouse on the top of the mountain?

Holofernes

Or mons, the hill. DON

Holofernes

Or mons, the hill. DON

Adriano De Armado

At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.

Adriano De Armado

As you prefer, for the mountain.

Holofernes

I do, sans question. DON

Holofernes

I do, without a doubt. DON

Adriano De Armado

Sir, it is the king’s most sweet pleasure and affection to congratulate the princess at her pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call the afternoon.

Adriano De Armado

Sir, it is the king’s greatest joy and love to congratulate the princess at her tent later today, which the common people call the afternoon.

Holofernes

The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is liable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon: the word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I do assure you, sir, I do assure. DON

Holofernes

The later part of the day, most kind sir, is appropriate, fitting, and right for the afternoon: the word is well-chosen, sweet and proper, I assure you, sir, I do assure. DON

Adriano De Armado

Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar, I do assure ye, very good friend: for what is inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee, remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thy head: and among other important and most serious designs, and of great import indeed, too, but let that pass: for I must tell thee, it will please his grace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poor shoulder, and with his royal finger, thus, dally with my excrement, with my mustachio; but, sweet heart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no fable: some certain special honours it pleaseth his greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of travel, that hath seen the world; but let that pass. The very all of all is,--but, sweet heart, I do implore secrecy,--that the king would have me present the princess, sweet chuck, with some delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or antique, or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet self are good at such eruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as it were, I have acquainted you withal, to the end to crave your assistance.

Adriano De Armado

Sir, the king is a noble man and my good friend, I assure you: as for what is private between us, let it remain so. I ask you, remember your manners; I ask you, fix your hair: and among other important and serious matters, and really important too, but let that go: for I must tell you, it will please His Majesty, at times, to lean on my poor shoulder, and with his royal finger, like this, play with my mustache; but, darling, let that go. I’m not telling a lie: there are certain special honors His Majesty has chosen to give to Armado, a soldier, a man of the world; but let that go. The most important thing is,—but, darling, I beg you, keep it a secret,—the king wants me to present the princess, my dear, with a great performance, or show, or pageant, or fireworks. Now, knowing that you and the curate are good at such bursts of laughter and sudden fun, I’ve told you, to ask for your help.

Holofernes

Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies. Sir, as concerning some entertainment of time, some show in the posterior of this day, to be rendered by our assistants, at the king’s command, and this most gallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman, before the princess; I say none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies.

Holofernes

Sir, you shall present the Nine Worthies to her. Sir, as for some entertainment of the time, some show later today, to be presented by our helpers, at the king’s command, and this fine, distinguished, and learned gentleman, before the princess; I say no one is better suited than to present the Nine Worthies.

Sir Nathaniel

Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?

Sir Nathaniel

Where will you find men worthy enough to play them?

Holofernes

Joshua, yourself; myself and this gallant gentleman, Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because of his great limb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the page, Hercules,-- DON

Holofernes

Joshua, you; me and this brave man, Judas Maccabeus; this boy, because of his big limb or joint, will be bigger than Pompey the Great; the page, Hercules,-- DON

Adriano De Armado

Pardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough for that Worthy’s thumb: he is not so big as the end of his club.

Adriano De Armado

Sorry, sir; mistake: he’s not big enough for that great man’s thumb: he’s not as big as the end of his club.

Holofernes

Shall I have audience? he shall present Hercules in minority: his enter and exit shall be strangling a snake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.

Holofernes

Should I be heard? he will act Hercules as a young man and his entrance and exit will be him choking a snake; and I’ll need an excuse for that.

Moth

An excellent device! so, if any of the audience hiss, you may cry ’Well done, Hercules! now thou crushest the snake!’ that is the way to make an offence gracious, though few have the grace to do it. DON

Moth

A brilliant idea! so, if any of the audience boo, you can shout ’Well done, Hercules! now you are crushing the snake!’ that’s how to turn an insult into something impressive, though not many can do it. DON

Adriano De Armado

For the rest of the Worthies?--

Adriano De Armado

What about the rest of the great men?--

Holofernes

I will play three myself.

Holofernes

I’ll play three of them myself.

Moth

Thrice-worthy gentleman! DON

Moth

Three-time worthy gentleman! DON

Adriano De Armado

Shall I tell you a thing?

Adriano De Armado

Should I tell you something?

Holofernes

We attend. DON

Holofernes

We’re listening. DON

Adriano De Armado

We will have, if this fadge not, an antique. I beseech you, follow.

Adriano De Armado

We’ll have an antique, if this doesn’t work. I beg you, follow me.

Holofernes

Via, goodman Dull! thou hast spoken no word all this while.

Holofernes

Come on, goodman Dull! you haven’t said a word all this time.

Dull

Nor understood none neither, sir.

Dull

And I haven’t understood anything either, sir.

Holofernes

Allons! we will employ thee.

Holofernes

Let’s go! we’ll put you to work.

Dull

I’ll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play On the tabour to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.

Dull

I’ll join in a dance, or something; or I’ll play the drum for the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.

Holofernes

Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away!

Holofernes

Most dull, honest Dull! To our fun, let’s go!

Exuent
Exuent
Holofernes

LOVE’S LABOURS LOST

Holofernes

LOVE’S LABOURS LOST

End of Act 5, Scene 1

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