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Modern English
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.
What on earth is my niece doing, mourning the death of her brother like this? I’m sure worry is the enemy of life.
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
Honestly, Sir Toby, you need to come in earlier at night: Your cousin, my lady, is very upset about your late hours.
Why, let her except, before excepted.
Let her complain, as much as she wants.
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
Yes, but you must control yourself and follow some basic rules of behavior.
Confine! I’ll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
Control! I’ll control myself no more than I already do: These clothes are fine for drinking in; and these boots are good enough too: if they’re not, let them hang themselves by their own straps.
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
Drinking and partying will ruin you: I heard my lady talking about it yesterday; and about a foolish knight you brought here one night to try to woo her.
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
Ay, he.
Yes, him.
He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
He’s as tall as any man in Illyria.
What’s that to the purpose?
What does that have to do with anything?
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
Well, he has three thousand ducats a year.
Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats: he’s a very fool and a prodigal.
Yes, but he’ll spend all those ducats in just one year: he’s a complete fool and a wastrel.
Fie, that you’ll say so! he plays o’ the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
Oh, don’t say that! He plays the viol and speaks three or four languages perfectly without even having to read them, and he has all the best natural gifts.
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller: and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
He does, almost by nature: because besides being a fool, he’s also a huge troublemaker: and if it weren’t for his cowardice that stops him from fully acting on his temper, people who are sensible would think he’d already have earned a quick burial.
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they?
By my hand, those who say such things are scoundrels and liars! Who are they?
They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.
They also say that he gets drunk every night with you.
With drinking healths to my niece: I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria: he’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
I drink to my niece’s health: I’ll drink to her as long as there’s a passage in my throat and drink in all of Illyria: he’s a coward and a fool who won’t drink to my niece until his brains spin around like a church top. What, girl! Castilian slang! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
Sir Toby Belch! How’s it going, Sir Toby Belch?
Sweet Sir Andrew!
Hello, sweet Sir Andrew!
Bless you, fair shrew.
Bless you, my dear.
And you too, sir.
And bless you too, sir.
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
Approach, Sir Andrew, approach.
What’s that?
What’s that?
My niece’s chambermaid.
My niece’s maid.
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
Hello, Mistress Accost, I’d like to get to know you better.
My name is Mary, sir.
My name is Mary, sir.
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
Hello, Mistress Mary Accost,--
You mistake, knight; ’accost’ is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
You’re confused, knight; ‘accost’ means approach her, talk to her, woo her, flirt with her.
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of ’accost’?
By my word, I wouldn’t take her on in this company. Is that what ‘accost’ means?
Fare you well, gentlemen.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
If you leave like this, Sir Andrew, I wish you’d never pick up a sword again.
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
If you leave like this, mistress, I wish I’d never pick up a sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools under your control?
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
Sir, I don’t have you by the hand.
Marry, but you shall have; and here’s my hand.
Well, you will have; and here’s my hand.
Now, sir, ’thought is free:’ I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
Now, sir, ‘thought is free’: I ask you to bring your hand to the pantry counter and let it have some drink.
Wherefore, sweet-heart? what’s your metaphor?
Why, sweetheart? What do you mean by that?
It’s dry, sir.
It’s dry, sir.
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?
Well, I think so: I’m not stupid enough to not be able to keep my hand dry. But what’s your joke?
A dry jest, sir.
A dry joke, sir.
Are you full of them?
Are you full of them?
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.
Yes, sir, I have plenty of them: but, once I let go of your hand, I’m out of ideas.
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I see thee so put down?
Oh, knight, you need a drink of canary: when did I see you so down?
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary bring me down. Sometimes I feel like I have no more sense than an average person: but I eat a lot of beef and I think it messes with my brain.
No question.
No doubt about it.
An I thought that, I’ld forswear it. I’ll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
If I thought that, I’d quit it. I’ll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
Why, my dear knight?
What is ’Pourquoi’? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but followed the arts!
What’s ’Pourquoi’? Do or not do? I wish I had spent that time on languages instead of on fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting: Oh, if only I’d followed the arts!
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
Then you’d have had a great head of hair.
Why, would that have mended my hair?
Why, would that have fixed my hair?
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
Definitely; because as you can see, it won’t curl naturally.
But it becomes me well enough, does’t not?
But it looks fine on me, doesn’t it?
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a spindle; and I hope to see a housewife take you between her legs and spin it off.
Faith, I’ll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
Honestly, I’ll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby: your niece won’t be interested in me; or if she is, it’s highly unlikely she’ll want anything to do with me: the Count himself is nearby, courting her.
She’ll none o’ the count: she’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.
She won’t want the Count: she won’t marry anyone above her status, whether in wealth, age, or intelligence; I’ve heard her say that herself. But no worries, there’s still hope, man.
I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ the strangest mind i’ the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
I’ll stay another month. I’m a person with the strangest moods in the world; sometimes I love masques and parties all at once.
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
Are you good at these fancy things, knight?
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
I’m as good as anyone in Illyria, anyone who’s below the level of my betters; though I won’t compare myself to an old man.
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
What’s your skill in a galliard, knight?
Faith, I can cut a caper.
Honestly, I can jump and dance.
And I can cut the mutton to’t.
And I can dance it with style.
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
And I think I can do the backflip as well as anyone in Illyria.
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
Why are these talents hidden? Why are your gifts covered up? Are they going to gather dust like Mistress Mall’s painting? Why don’t you go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My walk should be a dance; I wouldn’t even go to the bathroom without a fancy step. What’s your deal? Are we supposed to hide our talents? I thought, by the excellent shape of your leg, it was made for a galliard.
Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
Yes, it’s strong, and it looks pretty good in a bright-colored stocking. Should we start some revelry?
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
What else should we do? Were we not born under the sign of Taurus?
Taurus! That’s sides and heart.
Taurus! That’s for sides and hearts.
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
No, it’s legs and thighs, my friend. Let me see you jump; ha! Higher: ha, ha! Excellent!