All's Well That Ends Well · Act 3, Scene 2

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Enter COUNTESS and Clown
Enter COUNTESS and Clown
Countess

It hath happened all as I would have had it, save that he comes not along with her.

Countess

Everything has happened as I wanted, except That he’s not here with her.

Clown

By my troth, I take my young lord to be a very melancholy man.

Clown

Truly, I think my young lord is a very Melancholy man.

Countess

By what observance, I pray you?

Countess

What makes you say that?

Clown

Why, he will look upon his boot and sing; mend the ruff and sing; ask questions and sing; pick his teeth and sing. I know a man that had this trick of melancholy sold a goodly manor for a song.

Clown

Why, he’ll look at his boot and sing; fix his collar and sing; ask questions and sing; pick his teeth and sing. I know a guy who did this sad act and sold a nice estate just for a song.

Countess

Let me see what he writes, and when he means to come.

Countess

Let me see what he’s written, and when he plans to come.

Opening a letter
Opening a letter
Clown

I have no mind to Isbel since I was at court: our old ling and our Isbels o’ the country are nothing like your old ling and your Isbels o’ the court: the brains of my Cupid’s knocked out, and I begin to love, as an old man loves money, with no stomach.

Clown

I’m not interested in Isbel since I was at court: our old country girls and our Isbels from the countryside aren’t anything like your fancy court girls: the charm of my Cupid’s lost, and I’m starting to love, like an old man loves money, with no real desire.

Countess

What have we here?

Countess

What’s this?

Clown

E’en that you have there.

Clown

Just what you’ve got there.

Exit
Exit
Countess

[Reads] I have sent you a daughter-in-law: she hath recovered the king, and undone me. I have wedded her, not bedded her; and sworn to make the ’not’ eternal. You shall hear I am run away: know it before the report come. If there be breadth enough in the world, I will hold a long distance. My duty to you. Your unfortunate son, BERTRAM. This is not well, rash and unbridled boy. To fly the favours of so good a king; To pluck his indignation on thy head By the misprising of a maid too virtuous For the contempt of empire.

Countess

[Reads] I’ve sent you a daughter-in-law: she’s healed the king, and ruined me. I’ve married her, but not slept with her; and sworn to keep the ‘not’ forever. You’ll hear that I’ve run away: know this before anyone else finds out. If there’s enough space in the world, I’ll keep my distance. My duty to you. Your unlucky son, BERTRAM. This is not good, reckless and uncontrolled boy. To run from the favor of such a great king; To bring down his anger on your head By rejecting a maid too virtuous For the contempt of royalty.

Re-enter Clown
Re-enter Clown
Clown

O madam, yonder is heavy news within between two soldiers and my young lady!

Clown

Oh madam, there’s terrible news going around between two soldiers and my young lady!

Countess

What is the matter?

Countess

What’s going on?

Clown

Nay, there is some comfort in the news, some comfort; your son will not be killed so soon as I thought he would.

Clown

Well, there’s some good news in it, some good news; your son won’t be killed as soon as I thought he would.

Countess

Why should he be killed?

Countess

Why would he be killed?

Clown

So say I, madam, if he run away, as I hear he does: the danger is in standing to’t; that’s the loss of men, though it be the getting of children. Here they come will tell you more: for my part, I only hear your son was run away.

Clown

I ask myself the same thing, madam, if he’s running away, as I hear he is: the real danger is in staying there; that’s where men lose their lives, though it’s where children are made. Here they come, they’ll tell you more: as for me, all I know is that your son has run away.

Exit
Exit
Enter HELENA, and two Gentlemen
Enter HELENA, and two Gentlemen
First Gentleman

Save you, good madam.

First Gentleman

Hello, good lady.

Helena

Madam, my lord is gone, for ever gone.

Helena

Lady, my husband is gone, gone forever.

Second Gentleman

Do not say so.

Second Gentleman

Don’t say that.

Countess

Think upon patience. Pray you, gentlemen, I have felt so many quirks of joy and grief, That the first face of neither, on the start, Can woman me unto’t: where is my son, I pray you?

Countess

Think about being patient. Please, gentlemen, I’ve experienced so many ups and downs, That I can’t react to either joy or grief right now: Where is my son, please?

Second Gentleman

Madam, he’s gone to serve the duke of Florence: We met him thitherward; for thence we came, And, after some dispatch in hand at court, Thither we bend again.

Second Gentleman

Lady, he’s gone to serve the Duke of Florence: We met him on the way there; we came from there, And after some business at court, We’re heading back that way.

Helena

Look on his letter, madam; here’s my passport.

Helena

Look at his letter, madam; here’s my permit.

Reads
Reads
Helena

When thou canst get the ring upon my finger which never shall come off, and show me a child begotten of thy body that I am father to, then call me husband: but in such a ’then’ I write a ’never.’ This is a dreadful sentence.

Helena

When you can get the ring on my finger which will never come off, and show me a child born from your body that I’m the father of, then call me your husband: but in that “then,” I write “never.” This is a terrible message.

Countess

Brought you this letter, gentlemen?

Countess

Did you bring this letter, gentlemen?

First Gentleman

Ay, madam; And for the contents’ sake are sorry for our pain.

First Gentleman

Yes, madam; And because of its contents, we’re sorry for the pain it brings.

Countess

I prithee, lady, have a better cheer; If thou engrossest all the griefs are thine, Thou robb’st me of a moiety: he was my son; But I do wash his name out of my blood, And thou art all my child. Towards Florence is he?

Countess

Please, lady, try to be more cheerful; If you take on all the griefs, you’re taking them from me, You’re stealing part of my sorrow: he was my son; But I’ll erase his name from my blood, And you are now my child. Is he going to Florence?

Second Gentleman

Ay, madam.

Second Gentleman

Yes, madam.

Countess

And to be a soldier?

Countess

And is he going to be a soldier?

Second Gentleman

Such is his noble purpose; and believe ’t, The duke will lay upon him all the honour That good convenience claims.

Second Gentleman

That is his noble intention; and believe it, The Duke will give him all the honor That he deserves.

Countess

Return you thither?

Countess

Will you be going back there?

First Gentleman

Ay, madam, with the swiftest wing of speed.

First Gentleman

Yes, madam, as fast as possible.

Helena

[Reads] Till I have no wife I have nothing in France. ’Tis bitter.

Helena

[Reads] Until I have no wife, I have nothing in France. It’s hard to take.

Countess

Find you that there?

Countess

Did you find that there?

Helena

Ay, madam.

Helena

Yes, madam.

First Gentleman

’Tis but the boldness of his hand, haply, which his heart was not consenting to.

First Gentleman

It’s probably just the boldness of his hand, maybe, which his heart didn’t fully agree with.

Countess

Nothing in France, until he have no wife! There’s nothing here that is too good for him But only she; and she deserves a lord That twenty such rude boys might tend upon And call her hourly mistress. Who was with him?

Countess

Nothing in France, until he has no wife! There’s nothing here that’s too good for him Except her; and she deserves a man Who could have twenty rude boys serving her And calling her "mistress" every hour. Who was with him?

First Gentleman

A servant only, and a gentleman Which I have sometime known.

First Gentleman

Just a servant, and a gentleman Whom I’ve known for some time.

Countess

Parolles, was it not?

Countess

Parolles, wasn’t it?

First Gentleman

Ay, my good lady, he.

First Gentleman

Yes, my good lady, it was.

Countess

A very tainted fellow, and full of wickedness. My son corrupts a well-derived nature With his inducement.

Countess

A very corrupt man, full of wickedness. My son is ruining his naturally good nature With his influence.

First Gentleman

Indeed, good lady, The fellow has a deal of that too much, Which holds him much to have.

First Gentleman

Indeed, good lady, The man has a lot of that, and too much, Which makes him think he deserves more.

Countess

You’re welcome, gentlemen. I will entreat you, when you see my son, To tell him that his sword can never win The honour that he loses: more I’ll entreat you Written to bear along.

Countess

You’re welcome, gentlemen. I’ll ask you, when you see my son, To tell him that his sword can never win The honor that he loses: and I’ll ask you To carry a letter for me.

Second Gentleman

We serve you, madam, In that and all your worthiest affairs.

Second Gentleman

We serve you, madam, In that and in all your other important matters.

Countess

Not so, but as we change our courtesies. Will you draw near!

Countess

Not just that, but as we exchange our courtesies. Will you come closer!

Exeunt COUNTESS and Gentlemen
Exeunt COUNTESS and Gentlemen
Helena

’Till I have no wife, I have nothing in France.’ Nothing in France, until he has no wife! Thou shalt have none, Rousillon, none in France; Then hast thou all again. Poor lord! is’t I That chase thee from thy country and expose Those tender limbs of thine to the event Of the none-sparing war? and is it I That drive thee from the sportive court, where thou Wast shot at with fair eyes, to be the mark Of smoky muskets? O you leaden messengers, That ride upon the violent speed of fire, Fly with false aim; move the still-peering air, That sings with piercing; do not touch my lord. Whoever shoots at him, I set him there; Whoever charges on his forward breast, I am the caitiff that do hold him to’t; And, though I kill him not, I am the cause His death was so effected: better ’twere I met the ravin lion when he roar’d With sharp constraint of hunger; better ’twere That all the miseries which nature owes Were mine at once. No, come thou home, Rousillon, Whence honour but of danger wins a scar, As oft it loses all: I will be gone; My being here it is that holds thee hence: Shall I stay here to do’t? no, no, although The air of paradise did fan the house And angels officed all: I will be gone, That pitiful rumour may report my flight, To consolate thine ear. Come, night; end, day! For with the dark, poor thief, I’ll steal away.

Helena

’Until I have no wife, I have nothing in France.’ Nothing in France, until he has no wife! You’ll have none, Rousillon, none in France; Then you’ll have everything back. Poor lord! Is it I Who chase you from your country and expose Those fragile limbs of yours to the dangers Of ruthless war? And is it I Who drive you from the lively court, where you Were admired with loving eyes, to be the target Of smoky guns? Oh, you heavy messengers, That ride on the wild speed of fire, Fly with wrong aim; stir the quiet air, That sings with piercing; don’t harm my lord. Whoever shoots at him, I put him there; Whoever charges at his chest, I am the villain who pushes him to it; And, though I don’t kill him, I am the cause His death happens: it would be better If I met the starving lion when he roared With the sharp pain of hunger; it would be better If all the miseries that nature owes Were mine all at once. No, come home, Rousillon, Where honor wins scars from danger, As often as it loses everything: I will leave; My staying here is what keeps you here: Should I stay here to do it? No, no, even if The air of paradise fanned the house And angels served all: I will leave, So that sad rumors can tell of my escape, To comfort your ears. Come, night; end, day! For with the dark, poor thief, I’ll slip away.

Exit
Exit

End of Act 3, Scene 2

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